


right where you left me (stay here forever)

by palemoonlight99



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: F/F, Sad with a Happy Ending, kinda sad, maybe? - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-13 04:27:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29272473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/palemoonlight99/pseuds/palemoonlight99
Summary: After losing Toni, Shelby's life is falling apart. Now alone, she has to figure out how to deal with the pain and grief, the moments and memories they had and have together and how she will ever be able to move on.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 13
Kudos: 78





	1. Week 1

**Author's Note:**

> when i first wrote this down, it was supposed to just be a one shot but if you want me to keep going, i will so im giving this a try, please let me know, either here or my twitter (@villanevewilds) what do you think:)

Shelby has been everywhere but home since it happened. In her car, at the park down the street, on the basketball court, at the lake a few miles away from home. _Their_ home. Anywhere but the place where she could feel her presence. Although she knew there's no place on earth where she couldn't feel her presence.

Toni was everywhere.

Even after the funeral, she was physically unable to drive herself home, so Fatin took it upon herself to take her to her own house, helped her out of her plain black dress, and led her to the bathroom, where Shelby simply sat in the bathtub. Fatin tried her best to touch her as gently as she could while stroking her skin with the soapy sponge. Minutes later, Shelby aggressively yanked the sponge out of Fatin's hand and began rubbing her skin so hard and violently, as if that would make the emptiness and pain inside her go away.

She already hated the way her friends looked at her, with so much pity and sympathy on their faces that she felt even more pathetic, if that was even possible and it had only been a week. She hated the call she got from the hospital, since she was Toni's emergency contact, and she hated the doctors telling her she had to go and pick up the rest of Toni's things from her hospital room. Of course, she couldn't do that, so she had Martha do it instead, but she hated the fact that Martha picked up her things, only to leave them in Shelby's backseat. She hated everything.

Toni was everywhere and she hated it because she wasn't _really_ there.

She found herself sitting on the bleachers of the basketball court for the third time this week, gazing at the memorial Toni's team had placed in her memory right next to the entrance of the lockers. She hated it, too, for the solid reason that it was wrong for it to exist at all, because she wanted _her_ here, not a corner of a place where she used to spend a lot of time at, with a picture of her surrounded by a bunch of candles, cards and items she loved. Deep down, though, she thought it was beautiful.

"I thought I would find you here." a voice behind her startled her. She usually comes at a time when she knows she will be alone. She turned her head in the direction from which the voice came, even if she had already recognized it. She gave Dot a faint smile. "I'll leave you alone if you'll just give me five minutes." Dot said, as if to apologize for daring to approach Shelby. Shelby was better off alone but she didn't want to be a bitch to people that were polite to her. She didn't say anything once again, just patted the seat next to her for Dot to sit. Dot gave her a smile. "How are you feeling?" she asked her and immediately regretted it. "Sorry, I shouldn't ask shit like that." she apologized for real this time.

Another thing that Shelby hated.

"It's okay, I'm okay." she lied, her voice low and raspy -which was because she'd barely spoken a word this week-, wanting to avoid having a long conversation with anyone at the moment. Any kind of conversation. She just wanted Dot to tell her what she wanted and be left alone again.

"We have a game next week." Dot begun and Shelby tried to hide the fact that she was annoyed that the team would just go on without Toni so soon. What else had she expected though? Just because her world stopped, doesn't mean everybody else's did too. "Coach decided we should have a tribute to Toni before the game starts and a lot of us are writing speeches to say in her memory." she continued, Shelby was confused as to how she was feeling about this. "We thought you might want to say a few words too." and Shelby stopped her before she could continue.

"No." she said aggressively, making Dot move a few inches away. She knew Shelby was vulnerable at the moment and the last thing she wanted to do was to push her in any way.

"Why not? If anyone should say anything, it's you." 

"This team was everything to Toni but let's not pretend like most of these girls weren't talking shit about her even when she was on her deathbed because they were jealous of her and her skills, Dot." Shelby decided she was furious about it and felt her cheeks turn red. "I'm sure they're glad she's gone." a lump grew bigger and bigger in Dot's throat as she heard those words.

"That's not true, Shelby." she said carefully. "Everyone loved Toni, even when there were some arguments between her and some of the girls sometimes. She was the star of the team. It’s a sport and there's always compet-"

"I don't give a shit." Shelby stopped her. "Does Marty know about this?" she raised her voice.

"I told her before I came to you. She said she'd do it if you did." Dot hesitated to take Shelby's hand in hers but she wanted to do everything in her power to keep her calm.

A silence took over. Shelby had more things to say about Toni than she could count and this would be an opportunity to get them all off her chest. But at the same time, it all felt so sacred to her, that she didn't want to talk to anyone about her, especially to people who thought they knew her. She wasn’t ready and she had a feeling she never would be ready. She wanted her to herself. She absolutely despised the fact that suddenly everyone had something good to say about Toni. None of it was sincere or genuine and it disgusted her. But she knew her sister would be happy to say a few words for her. Martha would already be sitting down trying to find the right words to say about Toni. To give everyone who didn't know her a chance to know who she really was. She remembers Martha used to tell Toni that she never let people see the real her and Toni used to just laugh at her and tell her it was no one's business. So how could these people have so much to say about her when Toni never let them in?

"Okay." Shelby gathered her thoughts and gave an answer to Dot, something that made her give Shelby a smile again. "But none of these girls deserve to say anything about Toni. I'll show up when they're done." she said angrily and added "I'm only doing this for Martha."

"I'm happy you're doing it at all." Dot said. "I should go tell coach." she said and hesitantly stood up, not knowing what was the comfortable way for Shelby to say goodbye. Shelby knew that it wasn't Dot's fault she had all this anger inside her and it wasn't fair to treat her like it was. After she noticed that she was standing awkwardly, Shelby grabbed her hand, squeezed it and smiled at her. Dot walked away and Shelby was left alone, just like she wanted.

A couple of minutes after she was left alone, Shelby then found herself thinking about every memory she had with Toni in this court.

And it was eating her up from the inside out.

This was the place where she first saw her two and a half years ago. Andrew's sister's college team was having a basketball game with Toni's team and of course, Andrew dragged Shelby and their then friends along to support his twin sister. Their friends didn’t pay attention to the game for one second, being too busy making out with their girlfriends and shoving their hands up their skirts in the bleachers. Shelby watched intently but her eyes kept searching for Toni.

And that confused her.

She was embarrassed that she'd been looking at that girl for hours, not even knowing her name --apart from her last name that was written right above the number 1 on the back of her jersey-- and she'd be dead if anyone close to her knew what she felt at the sight of the opposing team's star. As expected, Toni didn't look at her once as she was too focused on the game. When the game was over and Andrew's sister's team had lost, she found herself thinking of an excuse to go back on the court, just in case the girl with the number 1 jersey was there. She wanted to catch a glimpse of her one last time.

"I got to get you home babe, your dad will kill us both if you're not home by seven." Andrew called for Shelby and stopped her thinking of a way to slip back inside. Shelby was annoyed by the fact that her dad still had her in a curfew, even if she was away from home for college. She felt her stomach clutching but knew she had to go. It wouldn't be okay to go back. She had no reason to. And so they left.

She looked at the seat she was sitting in at that time and realized that that was the moment everything in her life had changed. All it took was one look at Toni and she stayed inside her like a stamp on a piece of paper that can't be erased no matter how hard you try. She stood up and walked to the center of the court after she picked up a ball from the large basket. Having in mind everything Toni had taught her about shooting the perfect shot, she stood exactly where Toni had always told her to stand and threw the ball with the force Toni had always told her to and the ball went straight into the basket. She laughed to herself because Toni was right. It always worked and it was annoying when Toni was right cause she always had that cocky smile on her face, that Shelby used to kiss right off her face every time.

"You saw that? I could technically take your place on the team now." she said to the picture on the memorial and picked up the ball. She noticed that next to her picture, was her number 1 jersey, folded neatly over her shorts. Shelby walked over to the memorial and this was the first time she'd seen it up close and not from the stands. Next to Toni's uniform, there was an orange Gatorade and a bag of takis--her absolute favorite snacks-- and for a second the thought of eating them crossed her mind. Shelby knew Toni would find it hilarious if someone kept putting a new bag of takis here and it would just disappear every time. She decided against it, slapping herself mentally because she only left them just in case Toni would want to eat them and clearly that wasn't possible. She'd never be able to eat one of those, she thought. There were also at least 20 candles on the table, cards that had RIP written on the outside and God knows what on the inside and what seemed like a hundred pictures of Toni and her friends. One particular picture caught her attention and she felt her heart race and shudder at the same time, if that was possible.

It was a picture of them in the championship final. Toni had just won the last three points that gave her team the championship and she was holding onto the railing of the bleachers with one hand, holding Shelby's neck while kissing her with the other. Her teammates were right below her, screaming and crying with happiness.

A time when they both were the happiest they've ever been.

She took the picture in her hands and hadn't even noticed she was crying until a tear rolled down her cheek and onto the picture. She started sobbing and fell to her knees. She brushed her finger over Toni's figure and thought of how fucking beautiful she looked with her hair tied into box braids. She tried to gather and picture herself back to that day and pretend for just 5 minutes that everything was okay. That her life wasn't falling apart. That Toni was still here.

But she wasn't.

Toni was not here. She will never be again. And that made Shelby cry even harder and louder, her sobs filling up the court. She kept crying and crying and keeping that picture close to her chest for what seemed like hours.


	2. Week 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall wanted another chapter so i really hope you like this one:)

An almost deafening sound woke Shelby up that Thursday morning. When she opened and looked around to see where the noise was coming from, she remembered that the neighbors were doing some kind of construction done to their house. Frustrated, she groaned loudly and rubbed her eyes, trying to ignore the fact that she hadn't gotten enough sleep. Even though she was home, she wasn't _actually_ home. Her car had basically been her house these past two weeks. She'd done the same routine every day, parking her car in her and Toni's driveway and when it rained or was a cold day, she'd park it in the garage, and stay in there, with the car doors locked, sometimes sleeping in the driver's seat and sometimes in the passenger seat. But _never_ in the back seat. Since the day Martha had gone to the hospital to pick up Toni's remaining belongings and left them in the back seat of Shelby's car, having kept only one or two things, she hadn’t dared even to look at the box, let alone search and look through Toni's stuff.

Shelby knew she had to shower and finally change her clothes, charge her phone and also write a speech for Toni's tribute for that afternoon but she couldn’t go into the house alone. There were days when she had to be alone in the house while Toni was in the hospital but it was usually for a day or two because each time she went back to the hospital and slept on a chair by Toni's bedside. Toni always begged her to get on the bed and sleep next to her but Shelby was too afraid that she might accidentally pull a tube out of Toni's body or, even worse, push Toni off the bed onto the floor. Besides, she wanted her to be as comfortable as possible. Toni would always laugh at her and call her paranoid.

She grabbed her phone and dialed Fatin's number. The thought of calling her mom crossed her mind but it vanished as quickly as it had come. The last thing she wanted was to deal with her mom or have her dad preach some bullshit about her lifestyle. Fatin picked up almost immediately, as if she were by the phone waiting for Shelby to call.

"Am I dreaming or did Shelby Goodkind just call me at nine in the morning?" Fatin said teasingly, surprising Shelby by the fact that her voice didn't sound low and raspy or sleepy. She sounded like she'd been awake for at least an hour, and that wasn't a habit Fatin was in.

"Maybe you're having a nightmare" Shelby replied, trying to put her shoes on with one hand. "Could I use your shower for a quick sec? And maybe your charger too. " she asked her.

"You know you can anytime you want but one of these days you’re gonna have to go home, Shelby. You can't keep doing this to yourself." Fatin sounded like she was worried. Another thing that wasn't really Fatin like. "She wouldn't want this for you." she continued but Shelby hung up before Fatin could lecture her further or before she could tell Fatin to fuck off. If she wanted a lecture, she would've called her dad.

She tossed the phone onto the passenger seat and clutched the steering wheel as hard as she could. Shelby was never one to get angry about anything but ever since Toni had gotten sick, she had this unbearable feeling of anger inside her that was eating her up. It was as if she could partly feel what Toni had felt all the times she raged out. And that anger grew bigger, bigger than _her_ , the day Toni died. She was constantly irritated, everything annoyed her, even herself, and she didn't like being told what to do one bit.

It was as if she were a completely different person. She had never felt anger before and now that she did, she didn’t know how to handle it or live with it. You'd think after dealing with Toni and her anger for so long, she'd know that by now. But the thing is, she was used to dealing with someone else's anger, not her own. However, she acknowledged all the reasons she was angry for.

She was angry with God. All her life she had been told that God was fair and God loved _all_ people. God cared about all people, either you dedicated your life to the Lord or you were a sinner in any way. If God was fair and loved everyone, how could he let something like this happen to Toni? How could he burden her with this disease, watch her suffer for months, and never do anything to help her? How could he take Toni away from her?

She was angry with her dad for teaching her all that bullshit about God and then justifying his actions after Toni got sick. "If your friend is suffering, the Lord is doing it for a reason, Shelby. Everything he does has a purpose." he told her, always calling Toni her _friend_ and refusing to acknowledge the fact that Toni was more than a friend to Shelby for months now. He'd rather drink chlorine than accept that, he also used to tell her. The only thing keeping him from sending Shelby away was her mom, who had somehow convinced her dad that their daughter's sexual relationship with a girl was a test from God for their family. A disgusting virus in Shelby's mind that she had to fight on her own. Shelby didn’t want to test him more though, so every time she wanted to see Toni, she'd either sneak out or made up some lie or excuse that would place her somewhere other than near Toni.

And lastly, she was angry with Toni for leaving her alone, _forever_ , after all those promises they'd given to each other.

"I will never leave you alone and you'll never have to go back there ever again." Toni told her as she held a sobbing Shelby in her arms after a fight with her dad that started with Dave telling her to apologize to Andrew for having the thoughts she should have about him, about a girl and convince him to give their relationship another try, continued with Shelby screaming at his face that her relationship with Andrew was long gone before she started feeling that way about a girl because he was a cheater and everything that had to do with him disgusted her and ended with him giving Shelby a hard slap across the face, something that made her run out of the house and straight into Toni's arms.

But Toni did leave her. And now she was angry and alone.

She put those thoughts aside before she would cry again and drove away from their driveway to Fatin's house. She looked like a mess when she knocked on the door and Fatin's mom opened the door, her eyes going wide to the sight of Shelby. Yeap, she did look like a mess. And probably smelled.

"Shelby." Rana gave Shelby the most friendly smile she had.

"Mrs Jadmani." Shelby said plainly.

"Come in." she moved aside and let Shelby in. "I just made some breakfast, please join us." she pointed at the kitchen but Fatin appeared before Shelby could say no, even though she was starving.

"Mom, please leave her alone." Fatin laughed and pulled Shelby by the hand, leading her up the stairs and into her bedroom. "I'll put some towels in the steamer so they'll be nice and warm when you’re done showering." she looked in a drawer and pulled out two towels. "Take as long as you want." she turned around and smiled at Shelby but as soon as she turned around, she was ambushed by Shelby and a surprisingly tight hug. Shelby buried her face in Fatin's neck and Fatin felt the crook of her neck get wet by Shelby's tears. She felt her heart drop on the floor, but found herself smiling sadly because Shelby was being affectionate again, something that had become out of _her_ habit. Fatin stroke her hair and held her as tight.

"Thank you, Fatin." Shelby managed to say between sobs. Fatin felt some tears rolling down her cheeks but wiped them with her finger before Shelby could notice them.

"I miss her too." said Fatin, and her voice cracked. Fatin was about the only person who dared push Shelby to talk about Toni or get her to acknowledge the fact that she was really gone. It was the first step in getting her to move on or at least sort out her feelings. After allowing Shelby to let it all out, she headed for the shower. Fatin put two thick towels in the steamer, grabbed Shelby's phone and plugged it into her charger, and put some freshly laundered clothes on the bed for Shelby to put on. She then went downstairs and grabbed a plate of pancakes after pouring some syrup and adding some strawberries. Her mother realized it was for Shelby so she got up and poured her a glass of orange juice too and Fatin took both upstairs and put them on her desk.

Shelby tried to relax as the hot water ran down her back. But she couldn't. She had to write a speech and say all those words about Toni in a court full of people. Her mind wandered back to all the times Toni had to write so many essays she thought she'd never graduate high school.

"Ugh, fuck!" Toni cried out and tore another page from her notebook, crumpling it up and tossing it into the trash can. "I'll be a senior for the rest of my life." she shoved her face between the pages of her notebook. Shelby was laying in bed, scrolling on her phone. She looked at Toni and smiled. She found it adorable when Toni was frustrated. And kinda hot.

"You've torn at least twenty pages from that notebook," she stood up and walked towards Toni. She leaned over her, wrapped her hands around Toni's shoulders, and rested her chin on her head. Toni lifted her head and relaxed at Shelby's touch. "When you're done with your essay, there won't be any pages left for you to work on. " she teased her and Toni bit her wrist. Shelby slapped her mouth and then Toni kissed the spot where she bit her.

"You think it's so funny, don't you? "

"Actually, I think it's hilarious. " Shelby replied, got herself off Toni's shoulders and sat on her lap. "If you had an ounce of patience in you, you would've been done two hours ago." she left a soft kiss on Toni's lips, and Toni wrapped her hands around her abdomen.

"Please, help me?" Toni pleaded, kissing Shelby's shoulder. Shelby knew it was only to help her finish this godforsaken essay.

"No." Shelby teased her again. She just wanted to see Toni frustrated for a few more minutes.

"I'll let you pick the movie for tonight." Toni started a deal with her.

Shelby thought about it. "Even if I choose La La Land again?"

Toni sighed and rolled her eyes. "We've already seen it twice this week."

"Then have fun with your essay." retorted Shelby, trying to get off Toni's lap. Toni held her back and groaned again.

"Fuck, alright." she relented. Shelby gave her another kiss, a deeper one this time, and told Toni that they should watch La La Land with Martha that night.

The water washed away her tears, and the pressure was hard and loud enough to drown out her sobs. She stayed in the shower for around twenty minutes and then called for Fatin. Fatin went in the bathroom and gave Shelby the warm towels. They walked out of the bathroom and when Shelby noticed the clothes and breakfast, she looked at Fatin softly.

"Don’t cry again." Fatin teased, causing them both to giggle. It was the first time Shelby had felt anything that wasn't anger in ages. She felt relaxed. Carefree. She got dressed and ate breakfast with Fatin, because she felt weird eating alone with Fatin looking at her.

"Is your speech ready?" Fatin asked her. Shelby moved her head in denial.

"I don't know what to say."

"Dot's speech is beautiful." said Fatin. "She wrote about her fondest memories with her. About what kind of person she was. She's probably the only person who didn't focus on the fact that she was sick." she paused for a moment. "She focused on the happy parts," she added.

"I don't want to write the worst speech and disappoint her," Shelby said sadly. Fatin leafed through the drawer of her desk and reached for a notebook, tearing out a piece of paper and placing it in front of Shelby along with a pen. Fatin held her hands and looked into her eyes.

"You could never disappoint her," she assured her.

Later that afternoon, Shelby parked her car in front of the court. With the piece of paper in her hand that had her speech written on it, she looked out the window and saw many young people, probably about her age, wearing jerseys with "Shalifoe" and the number one on them-some of them handmade, the letters and number written in marker on different colored shirts-and holding signs with the name of the team they supported, and some of them were about Toni, too. She looked at the time on her phone and saw a text from Fatin from 5 minutes ago.

_Where are you? Most of them are done. Marty's going now._

Shelby was already late, and she didn't want to miss Martha's speech. She walked to the entrance of the court and took a long, deep breath. From there she could hear Martha's voice. When she finally went inside, her heart began to race. She had never seen the court filled with so many people. It was also a first that everyone was so quiet. She had to push some people to get through and see Martha in the middle of it. Not that she really had to push, because the moment everyone saw who she was, they moved aside.

Except Martha was not alone in front of the microphone. Her mother was standing right next to her, had one hand around her and held a tissue with the other. Martha had just paused after a sentence to collect herself and saw her. She smiled at Shelby, looking as happy as she could at that moment because she had some doubts that Shelby wouldn't come.

"She wasn't just my best friend. She was my sister. A second daughter to my mom." She held her mother's hand. "When we lived together, I was never bored or sad. She always found a way to cheer me up and do the things I loved, even if she hated them, but she didn't care because I would be happy. And making the people she loved happy was everything to her." Martha kept wiping her tears, her voice cracking after every other word. Shelby's heart broke once again. "She was the strongest, bravest person I've ever known. Cancer never broke her. She never let it take her strength away," Martha wasn't done yet, but she began to sob so hard that it was clear she couldn't go on. Her mother said one last "We love you" to Toni into the microphone and held Martha in her hands as they walked away. Many people around Shelby were wiping away tears or tried to choke their sobs.

She had promised herself -and Toni- that she wouldn’t break down again. Or at least try her best.

She saw Rachel get up to go to the microphone, since no one else was, but after she took one last breath, Shelby's legs acted before her brain could think, and she went to the microphone as well. Rachel saw her and stopped, taking a few steps back.

Shelby looked at the crowd in front of her and felt overwhelmed. There were just so many people.

She wished Toni was there to see how all these people were there for her.

After taking one last look at the crowd, she saw someone that made her legs go numb. She thought she was hallucinating but, she could swear she was smiling at her.

It was her mom.

Why was she here? Did her dad know? Or was he there too? No, he would never. A million thoughts ran through her head at once, but she realized she was just standing there without saying anything -or moving-, the court was silent so she tried her best to ignore them, even though she felt sick to her stomach with nervousness that her mom was there. How did she even know about this?

She had to do this for Toni.

She cleared her throat and adjusted the microphone. She noticed that all the candles on Toni's memorial were lit. She smiled at Toni's picture and began. "She would kill us all if she knew that picture was on there," she pointed to the memorial. "She hated it and barely let me take pictures of her after I took that one. She never trusted me again." That was the first time that afternoon that the crowd made a sound, as Shelby got everyone to let out a short laugh. That gave her more courage to continue. She looked down at the paper she held in her hands and glanced at what she was writing. And in that moment, she hated everything she had written and tore it to pieces without thinking. "You always hear that a person's soul never dies, even if they're physically gone, as long as they live in people's memories," she paused. "In this case, Toni is immortal, for she will never fade from my memory.", she waved the torn pieces of paper between her fingers. She felt herself wanting to cry but swallowed it. She looked at her mom, her mom was serious, supporting her chin on her hands and her hands on her knees. You could almost say she was sad.

"I've been lucky enough to spend a lot of time with her these past two years. I wish I had known her longer. I wish I had made more memories with her. Even though our last two months together were in and out of hospitals, we lived every moment to the fullest. Well, as fully as she could. " She chuckled sadly, wiping away tears before they could choke her. "I just can't believe she's not here anymore," she couldn't manage to hold back her tears, but she managed to stop herself from sobbing in front of hundreds of people, "What Martha said earlier is one hundred percent fact. Toni would rather be miserable than see the people she loved miserable. She hated La La Land but she would watch it 10 times a week with me if that meant I would be happy." she wiped some tears again.

"She loved this place so much. She loved basketball more than anything, well, I hope not more than me," this time she paused because she had unintentionally made the crowd laugh again - she could have sworn even her mom allowed herself a smile - and then continued. "She has a legacy here, and I hope people won't forget it many, many years from now. And she wouldn't want anyone else to take her place as captain," she turned to Rachel and gave her a warm smile through her tears. Rachel smiled back twice as hard and wiped her tears with her jersey. "I hate the fact that she's not here right now, running around the court and shooting hoops, but she's not in pain anymore and that should give us all some comfort, okay?" she didn't know if she was trying to convince the crowd or herself. "We should all give cancer a big fuck you," Shelby didn't mean literally, but she was interrupted by a voice from the crowd yelling "fuck cancer" at the top of their lungs, and voice after voice followed suit, resulting in almost every voice on the court yelling it.

Shelby smiled. She realized that more people cared about Toni than she thought. Toni was loved by so many, and she didn't even know it. She hoped she did.

Rachel couldn't help herself, so she walked up to Shelby and pulled her close for a hug. Dot followed Rachel and the rest of the team after Dot, each of them giving Shelby a comforting hug and one of them handing Shelby Toni's jersey. "You should have this." the girl told Shelby and Shelby hugged the girl again.

Now, with Toni's team by her side, Shelby felt strong. Like she wasn't alone. Leah, Nora, Martha, and Fatin looked at them from the bleachers with tears in their eyes, but they all had smiles on their faces. It was the first time in months that Shelby allowed herself to think that everything would be okay sooner than she thought.

"I love you and miss you," Shelby finished, saying it more to herself than the crowd and she took a few steps back from the microphone. It was the only speech that afternoon that had everyone standing up and clapping. She walked out of the center of the court with Dot and Rachel, and after the rest of their friends joined in, they held each other until the game had to start.


	3. Week 4

A full month after Toni's death-which felt like a full century to Shelby-she felt it was time to return to their house for the first time, rather than live in her car for another month. Plus, using Fatin's shower, sometimes her clothes, and charger made her feel even more like a burden.

She once again parked her car in their driveway and sat back in the seat. She rubbed her face with her hands and inhaled sharply. Then again. She'd do anything to avoid going back to their house for just a little more. But it was time and she knew it.

"Okay." she said quietly to herself and got out of the car. As she was about to walk to the front door, she remembered that the box Martha had picked up from the hospital with Toni's things was still in the back seat of her black Mercedes. She unlocked the car, opened the back seat door and looked at the box. Toni's favorite gray sweatpants covered what else was in the box underneath. She grabbed the box, buried it under her forearm, and locked the car again.

She searched through her keys to find the key to the front door. She started to get frustrated, trying to rummage through the keys with one hand while holding the surprisingly heavy box in the other. Just as she was about to set the box down and look for the key, a voice behind her said, "Let me help you," startling her.

Shelby turned, froze, and looked at her mother, who was now walking toward her.

"M-Mom," she stammered, "What are you doing here?"

"I've been looking for you for a few days," her mother then stood in front of her. A red backpack hung over her left shoulder. "You're never here, though," she said. Then she took the box from Shelby's hand and Shelby winced a little, remembering that she needed to find the key to her house.

It had been about 3 months since she last talked to anyone in her family, except for her little brother and sister who were secretly texting and facetiming with her because if their father found out they were talking to Shelby, they would probably be grounded for a whole month. Shelby wondered again if her father knew her mother was with her.

"Yes. As you probably know, I have no reason to be here anymore. " she replied after a few seconds of silence. She had finally found the key, but she didn't open the door. She really didn't want to go in there alone, but she didn't want to go with her mother either. Shelby tried to swallow the anger that was rising inside her. "Now you've found me," she said, clenching her keys into a fist, snatching the box from her mother's hands and placing it on the top step where she stood. "What are you doing here?" she asked again.

Her mother just looked at her, with her eyes getting glassy. "Your uh... your hair is longer. " she observed to her. "You are as beautiful as ever." JoBeth smiled.

Shelby didn't return the smile. Her anger was growing, she found her mother's audacity infuriating. How did she even know her address?

After 3 months of their last communication, if you could even call that, and around 9 months before that, she had the audacity to show up on her doorstep and tell her all the motherly shit she was telling her. The only reason she had texted her 3 months ago was because word had gotten out that Toni had lung cancer, and the text said, _I'm so terribly sorry to hear about Toni. I pray she pulls through and makes a full recovery. God bless you both_ , to which Shelby did not respond. She couldn't take any more of that God crap and she also knew she didn't mean a word of what she said. Before that text, the last time she had communicated with her mother had been about 9 months ago when her father had basically kicked her out of the house for maintaining her relationship with Toni, forbidding any member of her family from having any sort of communication with her. He couldn't send her away because she was now a 22-year-old woman and he couldn't control her. So he packed her things, kicked her out, and she hasn't heard from him since. And she doesn't want to.

"Are you here so we can talk about how long my hair is?" Shelby snapped. Her mother winced, obviously not used to this side of Shelby.

"You look tired, Shelby," JoBeth said, and Shelby chuckled. She grabbed the box off the ground and turned her back on her mom to go into the house. She just wanted to get in and slam the door on her face.

"Shit, how dare I look like trash, right?" Shelby said angrily and chuckled once more. "It's not like my girlfriend died like a month ago, is it mom?" she set the box down again and turned around angrily with an angry smile on her face. "Sorry, my _girl-friend_. Wouldn’t want anyone to hear us and get the wrong impression." she laughed right into her mother's face.

"Shelby, I didn't-"

"Of course you didn't mean it," she spat, "Either tell me what you want or get off _our_ property." Shelby couldn't quite believe herself that she was speaking that way to the woman who'd given birth to her, the woman she'd once deeply loved and looked up to. Her mother had once been her best friend. Shelby had once been able to tell her everything, well, except for the fact that she had started to develop feelings for girls, and she was the person she ran to every time she needed advice about pretty much anything. And that was all before she met Toni, because after she did and got closer to her, she was afraid that while she was talking to her mother about everything and nothing, she would accidentally slip out how she felt about Toni and out herself.

That had obviously changed.

On the one hand, Shelby was extremely grateful for her mother and her ability to convince her father not to send her to conversion therapy when he found out how his daughter really felt about Toni. She had met Toni _two and a half_ years ago, around the time she started going to college, got very close with her _half a year_ after she first met her, and that was when her father found out the truth about why Shelby had broken up with Andrew and hung out with this girl from Dallas so often. Her mother kept pleading with Dave to just let Shelby deal with this 'evil' alone and with lots of prayer and church attendance so that the people in their small town community wouldn't find out about this and humiliate them.

On the other hand, Shelby developed the same hatred she had for her father, for her mother.

When she got together with Toni, shortly after she started college and got an apartment in Dallas, her father lost all trust in her and made her drop out of college and move back to their house in Rockport. Magically, Shelby found a way to make it work with Toni long distance for a year, only visiting her a handful of times or less in Dallas -one of those times was for the basketball final of the state championship- or meeting her in dark alleys in Rockport, having convinced her parents that the 'evil' had gone away. But as they headed into their second year and Shelby was on the verge of convincing her father to let her go back to college, he saw a text from Toni on Shelby's phone while they were having dinner and after hell broke loose, he kicked her out the next morning. That had happened a year ago.

Shelby immediately found shelter in Toni's arms and they lived together in her apartment ever since, up until her death a month ago.

Her siblings never hated her and contacted her the very same day Dave had kicked her out, even after he exclusively told them not to ever again, understanding the pressure and hell Shelby went through the previous year.

But her mother didn't. The person she was relying to the most, never contacted her, even during the first couple of days after getting kicked out when she needed her the most. She had lost one of the most important people to her and her best friend. She could honestly not care any less about losing her dad since he was the one that made her life miserable but losing her mother is what twisted the knife in her heart.

Shelby used to think that her mom convincing her dad not to send her away and not pressuring her at all during that year, was her way of showing her support to her without actually doing it. But after losing contact with her, she realized she was not any different than her father.

Her mom was still speechless.

"I saw you at the tribute." Shelby spoke again. "Why were you there? You didn’t even know her. Does he even know you where there?" she referred to Dave as _he_ because she wasn't so sure she could call him _dad_ ever again.

"He doesn’t and I would prefer we keep it that way, Shelby," JoBeth said sincerely. "Melody told me about the tribute. We actually went together but she couldn’t stay to listen after the first speech so she waited in the car, you know how sensitive she is," she fidgeted her fingers. Melody came to the tribute as well?

Shelby didn’t let that stay in her mind for more than a couple of seconds cause she could already feel her heart aching for no getting to see her sister. Somehow, the fact that Melody was the one to tell her mom about the tribute and accompany her made total sense after the countless conversations they've had about Toni over text messages.

"Your speech was beautiful. And I'm…" she paused and her breath hitched. "I'm so sorry Shelby." tears streamed down her mother's face. Shelby kept her arms crossed over her chest and clutched her fists. "I know you think I don't mean it but I do and I am." she tried to get closer to her by taking a step forward but Shelby took a step back.

"For what?" Shelby mindlessly asked, she could name at least 10 things on the top of her head her mother should be sorry for.

"For leaving you. For Toni," Shelby cringed with the sound of Toni's name coming out of her mother's mouth. She's not even sure if she had ever heard her saying her name.

"I'm sorry for what happened to her. I wanted to be there for you, I did but your father-"

"Cut the bullshit. If you wanted to be there for me, you would've. You left me all alone and it's on you as much as it’s on him." Shelby hadn't realized it but she was the one this time to take a step forward closer to her mom. "I understand it was new for you both but no one deserves the shit I went through." her mother flinched and wiped her tears while nodding her head.

"I know," she said. Shelby didn’t want to admit it but she could feel her mother's remorse. JoBeth kept fidgeting her fingers and looking at the ground. "You know, she misses you a lot, your sister. Your brother as well but he tries to hide it," she tried to change the topic.

"I do too." Shelby let the tears leave her eyes at the thought of her little siblings. It's been months since she last saw them and she missed them terribly even with all the texts and facetimes.

"They want you to visit," her mother finally confessed. Shelby scoffed. They all knew that wasn't happening. "Your dad does too."

Shelby actually burst out laughing.

"I... I'm sorry." she continued to laugh. It was actually the funniest thing she had heard in a long time.

"Shelby, I'm serious. We're having dinner tonight. We all want you to come." her mother cringed at Shelby's reaction.

"Yeah, not fucking happening. First of all, I wholeheartedly don’t believe that he wants to see me, and second of all, I wholeheartedly don't want to see him either." Shelby had stopped laughing, but kept a wry smile on her face. She was being honest when she said she didn't believe Dave wanted to see her.

"How had he said it?" Shelby glanced to the side, pretending to try to remember one of the last things her father had said to her about her and Toni's relationship. She remembered exactly what he had said to her. " _I'd rather drink chlorine_ than see him," she referenced him.

JoBeth sighed. She seemed upset, and after looking at her closely, Shelby noticed that she had lost a lot of weight. She looked much smaller and more fragile, but that could also be due to her shorter haircut.

"I understand if you don't want to come," her mother said. "But please think about it. Not for him, but for your brother and sister," she began backwards, and Shelby understood that was the reason she had come. JoBeth gave her one last smile and turned to leave. "Ah, I almost forgot." she turned back around and walked back towards Shelby. "I also wanted to bring you this." she took the red backpack off her shoulder and held out her hand to give it to Shelby.

"What's that?" Shelby asked, grabbing the backpack. She looked at her mother and her mother's face had softened, she looked at her daughter more calmly. Shelby unzipped it and felt her heart shutter again, probably ten times in a single second.

Inside the backpack were clothes, neatly folded, and they all belonged to Toni.

The first item she noticed was Toni's red flannel.

Shelby's mind wandered back to two years ago, to the first time she had managed to visit Toni in Dallas after her father had dragged her home.

They were in the back seat of Toni's car - well, the one she shared with Martha - after an hour of doing things they hadn't done in a long time. They were both half naked, Toni in her grey sweatpants and black sports bra and Shelby in just her underwear and Toni's red flannel shirt, which was unbuttoned and covered most of her torso.

Shelby had her head resting on Toni's neck and Toni had one hand draped over Shelby's side, the other gently running up and down Shelby's bare thigh.

"I can just keep you here. We can run away."

Shelby smiled. "And go where?"

"I don't fucking know." Toni held her closer. "Somewhere where I can have you like this for more than an hour," she kissed the crown of Shelby's head and closed her eyes.

"I don't want to go." Shelby buried her face deeper into the crook of Toni's neck. With her free hand, she held the other side of Toni's neck and planted a kiss under her jaw.

"Then don't."

"You know I can't." She really couldn't. "I'll convince him, I told you. I just need more time." She shifted position and climbed on top of Toni.

"It's been five months, Shelby." Toni brushed Shelby's hair behind her ear. "Just let me come over there, I'll fucking knock some sense into him."

Shelby laughed and leaned forward. She took Toni's lips in hers and gave her a long kiss, then rested her forehead on hers.

"Please, bear with me," she wanted to cry and fall into Toni's arms, but she didn't want to upset them any more than they already did. "Bear with me and tell me we can do this."

"I want to do this. I'd do anything with you." Toni wrapped both her hands around her waist. "I can't promise you much, Shelby, but I can promise you I'll do my best." She kissed Shelby's lips like her life depended on it. "I just don't want to make you miserable. I'm needy. I need you here." She kissed Shelby on the cheek, on her right earlobe, and trailed a line of kisses down her neck. She began to leave wet kisses between Shelby's breasts, and when she reached the collar of her flannel, she pushed it aside and continued kissing down, back up, and then down again.

"You're the only thing keeping me sane." Shelby exhaled and reached for Toni's face, making their lips collide.

"Keep this." Toni told her, buttoning a single button on the flannel shirt Shelby had on. "So you can always have me near you." she looked her in the eye and Shelby gave her her best smile. "I'm kidding, you just look ridiculously hot in it and I want you to send me pictures of you wearing it when you leave," she teased and Shelby gave her a slap on the shoulder.

Under the red flannel, she noticed one of Toni's old basketball jerseys from the team she'd played for in high school, a pair of shorts that matched the jersey and two more plain black shirts, one long-sleeved and one short. There were also two photos of her and Toni, both taken in Toni's car, both with smiles that reached up to her ears and made her eyes smile too.

She looked at her mother. Shelby had hidden these items deep in her closet, and when she started to feel paranoid about her parents finding them, she hid them under her mattress, only taking them out late at night when she could stare at the pictures and wear Toni's clothes in peace.

If she was honest, she had even forgotten she had them at home. She couldn't believe her mother had found them.

"I was cleaning your room a few months ago and found them und- well, you know where." explained JoBeth. "You don't own clothes like that, so I figured they weren't yours." Shelby had tears running down her face again. "I thought you might want them back, so I hid them where you had them and waited until I saw you again."

Why would she do that? If Dave was the one to find these, he would've lit a fire in the backyard and burn them to ashes.

Maybe her mother did feel remorse. Shelby was just too hurt by her to admit it.

"I, um," Shelby cleared her throat and exhaled sharply. "Thank you," she tried to force a smile. JoBeth's eyes seemed to light up when she saw Shelby give her a smile, even if it was barely there. She smiled back, said, "Think about dinner," and left this time, leaving for real.

Shelby watched as her mother walked away from the house and into her car, which she had parked across the street. She looked at the bag and then back at her mother as she drove away. She was trying to process everything that had happened in the last 15 minutes.

Her mother knows where her and Toni's apartment is, she also kept Toni's things for her, her father wants her home for dinner tonight.

Her father wants her home for dinner tonight.

Her body shuddered at the idea of seeing him again, a year after he wrote her out of his and her family's life.

She set the red backpack on top of the box that also held Toni's things and finally reached for the front door key and unlocked the door. Her breath caught in her lungs as she pushed it open. It revealed the living room and further next to it, the kitchen, separated only by a short, small wall.

Grabbing the box from the ground, she stepped inside and closed the door behind her. The house smelled exactly like a place that hadn't been lived in for a long time should smell. Like an old warehouse whose doors and windows were shut for months. She could swear she could smell Toni's scent too, something that made her paranoid since Toni hadn't been in the house any longer than she had.

She took in the apartment, everything untouched and standing where it had been the last time she'd been here. Her favorite blue mug was still on the living room table from the last time she'd had her coffee in it a month ago, things that didn't belong there laid messily here and there, and as she walked further into the kitchen she saw the few unwashed plates, glasses and cutlery in the sink. The counter was a mess, with more plates and glasses here and there, a French Press, also from the last time she'd had her coffee, takeout boxes, and disgusting food scraps that made the kitchen stink.

She left the box and the backpack on the living room table and stared at them. Then she stared at the couches, the floor, every corner of the house and every single memory she had with Toni in every single corner of their house smacked her in the face.

Like the countless times Toni held her on the couch, either while watching a movie or while talking about nothing. Or the countless times when one of them would start teasing the other one, the sex starting on the couch and ending with them on the floor.

The bordeaux fluffy carpet that Shelby had to beg Toni to let her buy it, cause she absolutely hated the fact that it was _that_ fluffy.

The armchair that Toni loved taking naps in, she was so small that she armchair hugged the entirety of her, like it was made just for her to nap on.

Shelby was sick and tired of fucking crying. She felt pathetic that she couldn’t go two hours without tearing up or even full on sobbing.

She felt pathetic because almost two months ago her and Toni were making plans for an almost 24-hour road trip to visit Fatin, Martha and Nora in Los Angeles but Fatin, Martha and Nora ended up booking the almost 3-hour flight from Los Angeles to Dallas for Toni's funeral.

She wiped her tears, kicked her shoes off, ignoring the fact that her left shoe ended up on top of Toni's yellow converse that were right next to the front door and threw her jacket on the couch. She grabbed the box and walked towards the bedroom. The bedroom door was closed and Shelby was honestly terrified of going inside. Most of Toni's things were in there.

She opened the door, tears streaming down her face.

Clothes were scattered all over the room, the blinds were half closed, letting in only a faint sunlight. The bed was undone, their favorite white weighted blanket had nearly fallen to the floor, and the four pillows-two for Toni, two for Shelby-were misplaced, one on the floor, one on the desk chair, and the other two on the bed. The closet door was open, jackets and shirts hanging from both its doors. There were all sorts of things scattered on the desk and nightstands on the sides of the bed. Besides the bedside lamps on them, the nightstand on Shelby's side also had an alarm clock, her allergy medication, and a bottle of water. The one on Toni's side had only her reading glasses, which she hated to wear because Shelby and Martha kept teasing her about them.

The whole house was as if an atomic explosion had taken place.

Shelby was never a messy person. She was constantly cleaning the house, every nook and cranny, and always wanted every little thing to be in the place it was supposed to be. There were many times she argued with Toni, once for not putting a coaster under her coffee mug and staining the table, another time for not picking up her clothes once they were on the floor, and another time for not making the bed when Shelby had to leave early for work.

Then came days when Toni had to stay in the hospital for 24-hour monitoring, and of course Shelby never left her there alone. First it was one day, then it was 5 days, then Toni spent the last two weeks of her life in a hospital room.

Every time Martha stayed at Toni's bedside instead of Shelby and she had to go home to shower, nap or eat, she never had the time or energy to clean up the house.

Shelby entered the bedroom and looked at herself in the full-length mirror next to the closet. She almost didn't recognize herself.

The bags under her eyes reached almost to her jaw, the black circles the deepest darkest color. Her hair was in a messy bun, strands of hair falling in her face. The clothes she wore were Fatin's, _of course_ , and she remembered how many of Fatin's clothes she had in the trunk of her Mercedes.

She also remembered all the mirror selfies she'd taken with Toni, either before a night out with their friends, after a shower together, or right after waking up in the morning, with Toni standing behind her, resting her jaw on Shelby's shoulder, hiding her face in Shelby's neck, making a silly face, or kissing Shelby's shoulder blade, cheek, or lips, and putting her hands around her waist or stomach.

It was the first time Shelby had smiled at a memory of her since Toni's death.

She stripped and hopped into the shower without giving it much thought. She let the water run down her back and accidentally- _or not_ -grabbed Toni's shampoo and washed her hair with it. It was as if Toni was standing there with her, showering with her as always. She didn't stay much longer to keep herself from crying.

After wrapping herself in a towel, she went into the living room where she had left her phone. She had 3 texts and a missed call from Fatin, 1 text from Dot and Martha, and one from her brother.

**_Spence [12:12]_ ** _hey. mom told me she finally found you. i know he's the last person you want to see but please think about it. we really miss you._

She looked at the text and read it over and over. Spencer was the sweetest boy, even when Dave had kicked her out. He called, texted, and supported her and her sexuality to the best of his ability, something that had shocked Shelby at first. She had always thought that her father's influence would ruin her little brother since he was only 16, but Spencer had a mind and beliefs of his own. He had also once confessed to her that one of his best friends was gay, joking that if their father knew that the boy who slept over almost every Friday was gay, their father would immediately assume that Spencer had something romantic going on with him and he would meet the same fate as Shelby.

She wanted to visit her siblings more than anything, God knows she needed them.

But her stomach ached at the idea of seeing her father. He was the one who had ruined her high school years, who made her feel like she would never be enough for anyone unless she was perfect in everything she did, he was solely the reason she had to put up with Andrew's shit for the last two years of high school and the beginning of her college year, which he had also ruined by making her drop out.

She hated him, no, she despised him.

She felt sorry for her siblings because they were still under his roof and even if they left their home in Rockport for college, he would still control everything they did.

Melody was now 14, soon to be 15 -13 when Dave threw her older sister out of the house like a stranger - so she was always obedient because she was afraid of him. Melody, like all other kids her age, just wanted to sit in her room with her friends and eat junk food and every sugary treat their stomach could handle. But she couldn't, at least not without Dave barging in and throwing everything in the trash without a second thought.

Spencer was older, becoming a sophomore in September. After Shelby moved out and went to live with Toni, there were many times when Spencer would argue with his dad, either because he just wanted to play his video games for 20 more minutes before he went to bed, hang out with his friends a little more on the weekend, or spend an hour of his day painting, a hobby he loved, and his dad walked into his room and turned off the TV while he was in the middle of a video game, shut the light and the door without saying anything, tracked Spencer's phone, and picked him up from where he hung out with his friends without telling him or constantly telling him that this hobby of his was going to lead him nowhere.

After every fight, Spencer always called Shelby and sometimes cried, saying how sick and tired he was and wishing his older sister was there with them.

And Shelby's heart broke every time.

Sighing, she opened Fatin's texts next.

_**Fatin [10:22]** u awake?_

_**Fatin [10:35]** call me when u see this_

_**Fatin [11:45]** u better not be avoiding me, i'll gut u. i really need to ask you something_

She typed, _sorry, phone was on silent. call u asap_ and opened Dot's text next.

_**Dot [11:13]** can you please call fatin before she murders us all_

She rolled her eyes and opened Martha's next.

_**Marty [10:56]** Good morning Shelby :) Fatin Is being her usual annoying self, can you please call her? And call me as well when you have the time. I'd love to see how you're doing and catch up._

Shelby smiled at Martha's sweetness, walked back to the bedroom and sat on the bed and called Fatin, before she could annoy anyone else to death. The line rung once before Fatin picked up.

"Girl, I was about to call 911 on you, where the hell have you been?!" Fatin's immediately yelled.

"Sorry. My phone was on silent, I hadn't noticed."

"Well, don’t do that again. You scared me." Fatin said calmer. "Where are you?"

"Home." Shelby looked around the bedroom.

It didn’t feel much like home anymore.

"What do you mean home? Like Toni home or Rockport home?"

"Why would I be in Rockport, Fatin?" Shelby chuckled, even though she was expected in Rockport that very same night.

"You went back home alone? Why didn’t you ask me or Martha to come with you?" she said concerned.

"I had to do this alone." Shelby replied. "I'm fine though." she added before Fatin could ask. "What was so important that you had to annoy half of our friends?"

"Well, I have two things to ask you but the second thing has to be face to face."

"Okay?"

"Me, Martha and Nora have to leave for LA in the weekend or we'll be way left behind in classes." Fatin sadly said. Shelby knew this was coming, considering their friend group came together a month ago for the funeral. They had already stayed too long.

Fatin, Martha and Nora got in the Los Angeles Southwest College and were roommates in a nice place, off campus. Rachel -and Toni- both got in the University of Dallas, Toni with a basketball scholarship and that's where they met Dot, the three of them becoming the stars of the women's basketball team. Leah was living in Oklahoma, got in the The University of Oklahoma, College of Law and Shelby had gotten in Dallas Baptist University, chasing the doctoral program.

She was lucky enough that Andrew's twin sister had gotten in college with a basketball scholarship as well. Cause if Andrew hadn't dragged her to that basketball game, she would've never met Toni.

"I understand." Shelby replied after a long pause.

"I'm kicking my parents and brothers out so we can have a little fun gathering before we all scatter around 'Merica again. Just the 7 of us," Fatin said. "I just wanted to ask you if you'd like that." she said hesitantly.

Shelby was in no mood to be around people and drink and let loose. It felt wrong without Toni. But she also wanted to hang with her friends before they leave for college again.

"I would," Shelby replied without thinking much about it. "But I want to ask for a favor first."

"Yes, whatever you want," Fatin sounded excited.

"My mom came by earlier and asked me to go to Rockport tonight. For dinner."

"What the fuck? Is she mad? Plus, isn't like a 6-hour drive from Dallas to Rockport?"

"It is." Shelby held the towel in her hand tight. "Can you please come with me? I don’t want to go alone."

"Shelby, are you sure? That psychopath that you unfortunately call dad will be there, won't he?"

"Most likely. I just want to see Melody and Spencer," she gulped at the thought of facing her dad again. "I hate the idea of seeing him but I miss them,"

"Fuck him." Fatin said and Shelby chuckled silently. "Let's go."

Knowing Fatin, it's going to be hard to keep her from punching him in the face.

Shelby thank her and after chit chatting a bit more about what time they're going to go on the road they hang up and Shelby replied to her brother's text.

_I'll see you tonight_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi there! i took my time with this chapter but i just wanted to figure out where i wanted to go with this and put the timeline in place so you'll know where they stand. i apologize if anything is confusing though, just bear with me on this. thank you for reading!


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